I don’t want to say goodbye . . .

31 Mar

My father is in the hospital again. He had been doing better than expected for a while now, so I guess it made us forget how bad things really are. He came over my house on Sunday for Easter brunch and although he was walking and talking and seemed to be happy I noticed there was something off. He was pallid and he struggled more than usual to walk and he hardly ate.

He went downhill from there and at 3:00 am on Tuesday he was admitted to the hospital. He’s lethargic and unresponsive now. When I arrived at the hospital and spoke to him he tried to open his eyes and he managed to open them a little and he smiled but after that he wasn’t responding to the nurses or doctors that came by.

I’ve been in and out of the hospital since then, mostly in, which is why I didn’t do Writer’s Quote Wednesday and haven’t been online much at all. Sorry about that. My sister Cleo is in the hospital with him now and I’ll be leaving soon but I didn’t want to leave everyone hanging without an explanation. I’ll get myself together and get back to my routine as soon as I can but for now I’m going to see my dad. This is a very painful part in someone’s life and I’m barely hanging on.

My father has come close several times and recovered. He has a very strong will but this time it seems different.

Father-Poetry-the love of a father

My dad

Father

by Vashti Quiroz-Vega

His brown eyes deepened into polished onyx, and upon them came a mist of tears.

He watched with the facade of a brave man as his baby boy entered the world.

As if his mind and body were not consumed by overwhelming fears.

What are my duties? There are no guidelines. Where do I begin?

The babe in his arms felt so natural, yet so alien. A fire blazed in his chest.

“You are a father now.” The words were jolting, yet pleasing to his heart.

His brown eyes deepened into polished onyx, and upon them came a mist of tears.

He watched with the façade of a calm man as his son toddled, taking his first steps.

As if his mind and body were not consumed by overwhelming fears.

What if he falls? What if he hurts himself? I would fail as a father.

The toddler tottered to him and embraced him with dulcet giggles.

As he held his son, it did not feel alien. His heart gave way for love to conquer.

His brown eyes deepened into polished onyx, and upon them came a mist of tears.

He watched with the façade of a cool man as his son introduced him to his first girl.

As if his mind and body were not consumed by overwhelming fears.

What if he falls in love? What if she breaks his heart?

He embraced his son and slipped extra cash in his pocket.

As he held him, it felt like love, and he rested assured his son was smart.

His brown eyes deepened into polished onyx, and upon them came a mist of tears.

He watched with the façade of a brave man as his son grew and had sons of his own.

As if his mind and body were not consumed by overwhelming fears.

Did I raise him right? Did I teach him to be a good husband and father?

He embraced his son, and they were swathed by the love they both felt.

As he held his son, his questions were answered, and he grew calmer.

His son’s brown eyes deepened into polished onyx, and upon them came a mist of tears.

He watched his father wear the façade of a spent man as he lay on a hospital bed.

His son’s mind and body were consumed by overwhelming fears.

Am I doing the right thing? Who am I to decide when his time has come?

His face dampened with sorrow as he embraced his father.

As he held his father’s weary body and gazed into his dimming eyes, his questions were answered, and he grew calmer.

His brown eyes deepen into polished onyx, and upon them comes a mist of tears.

He watches with the façade of a pitiful man as his son reaches for that button.

He is ready to leave this world and grateful his son has let go of his fears.

As his son holds his ruined body, and he feels the lifeblood drain from his eyes, he knows he has raised him right.

His mind and body are consumed with overwhelming love.

His son has given him the gift of peace, and his happy spirit travels toward the light.

Copyright © 2014 by Vashti Quiroz-Vega. All rights reserved.

75 Responses to “I don’t want to say goodbye . . .”

  1. ladyleemanila March 31, 2016 at 12:15 pm #

    thinking of you Vashti and your father, take care always x

    Like

  2. Ritu March 31, 2016 at 12:25 pm #

    (((Hugs))) Vashti blessings and prayers for your father and you 🙏🙏🙏🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Teagan Geneviene March 31, 2016 at 12:34 pm #

    Ahh Vashti… I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Sending love and light — and huge hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. trentpmcd March 31, 2016 at 12:40 pm #

    I’m sorry Vashti, my heart goes out to you. The poem was very touching.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. coldhandboyack March 31, 2016 at 12:41 pm #

    This is so close to my heart. I wish you all the best. My father is 82 and not what he used to be. Your poem was very moving.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vashti Quiroz-Vega April 1, 2016 at 10:43 am #

      It is so difficult when our parents get to that stage in life when everything changes and their bodies begin to deteriorate. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Thank you. ❤ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. cindy knoke March 31, 2016 at 12:43 pm #

    Thoughts are prayers are flying to him~

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Al Lane March 31, 2016 at 12:51 pm #

    This is beautiful, Vashti. Thoughts and hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Judy Martin March 31, 2016 at 1:34 pm #

    Oh Vashti, that was so beautiful and moving. Sending you hugs and you are both in my thoughts and prayers. x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. olganm March 31, 2016 at 2:05 pm #

    Hugs, Vashti. Thinking of your dad, you and all the family. Sending you love. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Alice March 31, 2016 at 2:57 pm #

    Thinking of you all

    Liked by 1 person

  11. specialk718 March 31, 2016 at 3:13 pm #

    no words just likes and hearts and sighs, be there soon

    Liked by 1 person

  12. specialk718 March 31, 2016 at 3:18 pm #

    Reblogged this on opportunitiesforwomen and commented:
    My sister’s beautiful writing about my dad

    Like

  13. Steve March 31, 2016 at 4:01 pm #

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Pride in Photos Photography March 31, 2016 at 4:13 pm #

    OH, I am so sorry to hear this!!! Sending a hug:))))))))))

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Tony Single March 31, 2016 at 5:10 pm #

    You shouldn’t ever need to apologise. He’s your Dad. He needs you right now. You need him. Anybody who doesn’t get that doesn’t belong in your life. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vashti Quiroz-Vega April 1, 2016 at 11:25 am #

      Thank you. You’re right of course. I guess it’s just in my nature to apologize. I hear what you’re saying though. Yes, I’m putting my dad first for sure. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. John W. Howell March 31, 2016 at 5:44 pm #

    Beautiful tribute. None of us want to say goodbye but it is one of the pains we humans must suffer. Prayers with you and your dad.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vashti Quiroz-Vega April 1, 2016 at 10:52 am #

      Thank you for the kind words, John. I know it’s something we all have to go through but it’s just so difficult. I’ve been preparing myself for the worse since his last hospital stay but there’s no preparing for this.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. jaye22 March 31, 2016 at 6:23 pm #

    Hi Vashti
    I really feel for you, so sorry to hear about your Dad, I am sending lots of positive vibes & gentle hugs and thinking of you. Please take all the time you need & try and look after yourself too. Your post really moved me – thank you for sharing X X X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vashti Quiroz-Vega April 1, 2016 at 10:56 am #

      Such sweet words, Jaye. You’re always so kind. I find nowadays that sharing helps me cope. All the kind words, prayers and cyber hugs and kisses has made this experience easier for me, so I should be thanking you all. ❤ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Denis1950 March 31, 2016 at 6:53 pm #

    Stay strong Vashti my thoughts are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. john flanagan March 31, 2016 at 10:59 pm #

    Vashti
    Love and strength to You and Healing to your father

    My best

    john

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Mary Perez March 31, 2016 at 11:14 pm #

    Sorry to hear about your dad again not feeling well. Prayers go out he feels better soon 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Yolanda Isabel Regueira Marin April 1, 2016 at 12:22 am #

    Vashti … I am so very sorry to hear that you dad is not week again. Spend every precious moment you can with him. Let him know how much you love him. Never let things go unsaid. I hope the strength of his family’s love sees him through this. My thoughts and my love are with you dear friend xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vashti Quiroz-Vega April 1, 2016 at 11:04 am #

      That’s such wonderful advice and I’m certainly going to do that. I’ve been spending a great deal of time at the hospital and I talk to him and hold his hand. My mom and siblings have been doing the same. When one of us is not there the other is because we don’t want him to feel alone in this vulnerable state. He’s always been such a strong independent man. I can’t imagine how he must feel now in his condition. Thanks so much. I appreciate you. ❤ xoxo

      Like

  22. Sunni Morris April 1, 2016 at 12:47 am #

    Vashti,

    That poem was heartfelt and beautiful. It’s best to be with your dad. Take all the time you need. We’ll miss you, but come back when you’re ready, my friend. You’re in my thoughts.

    Sunni

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vashti Quiroz-Vega April 1, 2016 at 11:05 am #

      Thank you for the kindness and understanding, Sunni. I’m happy you enjoyed the poem. ❤ xx

      Like

  23. Mrs. AOK April 1, 2016 at 1:27 am #

    I’m so sorry, Vashti. Please know you & your family will be in my thoughts.
    Big hugs to you sweet lady.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. davidprosser April 1, 2016 at 2:43 am #

    I hope your father recovers again Vashti but if not, he will travel in the full knowledge of the depth of your love and you can remain secure in the safe knowledge of he depth of his.
    xxx Sending Massive Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Darlene Nemeth April 1, 2016 at 4:07 am #

    Oh my gosh Vashti, I am so sorry to hear how unwell your father is doing. My heart aches for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Big hug, Darlene

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Sue Vincent April 1, 2016 at 5:43 am #

    I am so sorry, Vashti. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. 1stpeaksteve April 1, 2016 at 7:56 am #

    Praying for the best, Vashti.

    My father was this super-strong, military guy. In my teens he was rushed to the hospital and he was never expected to recover. But he did and lived for many years. During this time, I saw him change from Hulk Dad to regular elderly dad that needed my help doing things that he used to do with ease. It is difficult to see this. But before he passed, my son and I took him out for a big day out at his favorite place and he was happy. Just being there is what counts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vashti Quiroz-Vega April 1, 2016 at 11:18 am #

      Hello Steve. What you went through is almost exactly what I’m going through. My father was a strong military man too. He was our superhero and to see his mind and body weaken and deteriorate like this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I’m hoping he recovers but at the same time I don’t want him to suffer, so it’s a very difficult situation, as you know. You’re absolutely right about spending time with him and that’s exactly what I intend to do. Thank you. I appreciate you. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  28. Don Massenzio April 1, 2016 at 8:07 am #

    My thoughts are with you and your father.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. jendavismiller April 1, 2016 at 10:51 am #

    Beautiful poem. Sending thoughts of love and peace during this trial for you and your dear father.

    Like

  30. specialk718 April 1, 2016 at 11:03 am #

    I’m sharing this poem with my clients whom are dealing with grief and they are loving it with tears of sadness and joy and learning that we can have a mix of emotions along with grief its okay, also thinking of good memories helps immensely

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vashti Quiroz-Vega April 1, 2016 at 11:21 am #

      That’s a lovely thing to do and a wonderful idea. It feels great knowing the poem is helping people cope. ❤ xoxo

      Like

  31. nagrij April 1, 2016 at 11:22 am #

    I wish you and your dad both luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. wccunningham April 1, 2016 at 4:19 pm #

    Tough time and never easy. I only hope I make an impression on my two boys like your dad has with you. 🙏

    Liked by 1 person

    • Vashti Quiroz-Vega April 1, 2016 at 6:56 pm #

      The fact that you wish that, tells me that you’re making a great impression on your boys. Continue loving them and don’t be afraid to hug and kiss them often.🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  33. Karen Grosz April 2, 2016 at 11:16 pm #

    Thanks for sharing on Let’s Get Real Friday Link Party.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Hugh's Views and News April 3, 2016 at 6:32 am #

    I’m very sorry to read the news about your dad, Vashti. My mum sadly passed away just over six months ago. I am sending you all the strength you will need to get through the days ahead. Take good care of yourself. My thoughts are with you and your family.
    xx

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Janice April 3, 2016 at 1:59 pm #

    I’m sorry to read your news Vashti. I hope your father pulls through. Take care. Your poem is a beautiful tribute.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Amy April 5, 2016 at 11:20 am #

    Beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

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